Finding Forgiveness and Freedom after Abortion by Randy Alcorn

Millions of women and men, both in society and in the church, are suffering under the guilt of abortion. If you’re a woman who’s had an abortion, or advised another to have one, this blog is for you. If you’re a man who’s been involved in an abortion decision—whether it concerned your girlfriend, wife, daughter, or anyone—it’s also for you.

It’s counterproductive to try to eliminate guilt feelings without dealing with guilt’s cause. Only by denying reality can you avoid guilt feelings. You need a permanent solution to your guilt problem, a solution based on reality, not pretense.

The good news is that God loves you and desires to forgive you for your abortion, whether or not you knew what you were doing. But before the good news can be appreciated, we must know the bad news. The bad news is that there’s true moral guilt, and all of us are guilty of many moral offenses against God, of which abortion is only one. “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).

Sin is falling short of God’s holy standards. It separates us from a relationship with God (Isaiah 59:2). “The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 6:23).

Jesus died on the cross as the only one worthy to pay the penalty for our sins demanded by God’s holiness (2 Corinthians 5:21). He rose from the grave, defeating sin and conquering death (1 Corinthians 15:3-4, 54-57).

When Christ died on the cross for us, He said, “It is finished” (John 19:30). The Greek word translated “it is finished” was written across certificates of debt when they were canceled. It meant “paid in full.”

Because of Christ’s work on the cross on our behalf, God freely offers us forgiveness.

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:12).

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).

Salvation is a gift: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9). This gift is not dependent on our merit or effort, but solely on Christ’s sacrifice for us. God offers us the gift of forgiveness and eternal life, but it’s not automatically ours. In order to have the gift, we must choose to accept it.

You may think, “But I don’t deserve forgiveness after all I’ve done.” That’s exactly right. None of us deserves forgiveness. If we deserved it, we wouldn’t need it. That’s the point of grace.

Once forgiven, we can look forward to spending eternity with Christ and our spiritual family (John 14:1-3; Revelation 20:11-22:6). You can look forward to being reunited in Heaven with your loved ones covered by Christ’s blood, including the child you lost through abortion (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18).

God doesn’t want you to go through life punishing yourself for your abortion or for any other wrong you have done. Your part is to accept Christ’s atonement, not to repeat it. No matter what you’ve done, no sin is beyond the reach of God’s grace. He has seen us at our worst and still loves us. There are no limits to His forgiving grace. And there is no freedom like the freedom of forgiveness.

Joining a group for post-abortion healing can help you immensely. You may have bitterness toward men who used and abused you and forgiveness issues towards those who helped you with your abortion decision (see Matthew 6:14-15). There are post-abortion Bible studies designed for women, and others for men. Many online resources can help you find the support group you need. (See www.healinghearts.org andhttp://afterabortion.org/help-healing/; call 1-888-486-HOPE for free confidential advice.)

You need to become part of a therapeutic community, a family of Christians called a church. (If you’re already in a church, share your abortion experience with someone to get the specific help you need.) You may feel self-conscious around Christians because of your past. You shouldn’t. A true Christ-centered church isn’t a showcase for saints but a hospital for sinners. The people you’re joining are just as human and imperfect as you. Most church people aren’t self-righteous. Those who are should be pitied because they don’t understand God’s grace.

A good church will teach the truths of the Bible, and will provide love, acceptance, and support for you. If you cannot find such a church in your area, contact EPM and we’ll gladly do what we can to help you.

A healthy step you can take is to reach out to women experiencing unwelcome pregnancies. God can eventually use your experience to equip you to help others and to share with them God’s love. My wife and I have a number of good friends who’ve had abortions. Through their caring prolife efforts they’ve given to other women the help they wish someone had given them. Telling their stories has not only saved children’s lives, and mothers from the pain of abortion, but has helped bring healing to them. It can do the same for you.

Kay Arthur on Balancing Ministry and Your Spiritual Walk by Tyler Smith

If you’re a pastor, scholar, or church leader, you’ve probably experienced it. You spend hours in the Word preparing sermons, Bible studies, and Sunday-school lessons. Yet even as your understanding of the Bible increases, you find yourself slipping into a state of spiritual fatigue. Your congregation or students thank you for the insight you’ve provided, for the difference your study has made in their lives. But you know God has used you in spite of the distance from him you feel at the moment. You may have crafted the perfect sermon, but your spiritual well has run dry.

In this excerpt from Bible Study Magazine’s exclusive interview with Kay Arthur, the beloved Bible-study expert shares how she maintains vitality in her spiritual life through personal quiet time and by refusing to separate her lesson preparation from her own spiritual walk.

Arthur gets her coffee and begins her day in the Word. “I have a little sitting area in my bedroom that is my place with God. I sit down, look out the window and just thank Him for this time to listen to His Word. And it’s then you realize nothing else matters—He is our sovereign Lord and we are His bondservants! My quiet time is always in the Word of God, book by book. I have an inductive study Bible, which has large spacing and margins for notes, and instructions for studying each book. I have a pen, pencil, and colored marking pens.”

“There was a time in the Christian world where it was considered unspiritual to spend your quiet time studying Scripture, as if that were less spiritual than prayer. When tempted by the devil, Jesus said, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God’ (Matt 4:4 ESV). Quiet time is remembering that He is God. I’m going to listen to him, talk to him, commit my way unto him, and remember that He is God. I want to start my day with him on my mind and on my heart. Although I begin with time in His Word, there are times when I read other books the Spirit of God leads me to. One of my treasures is On This Day by Robert J. Morgan—it’s 365 days of Christian history with stories about saints, martyrs, and heroes. I love the old biographies and learn so very much from them that inspires me to press on.”

Most recently, Arthur has focused her reading on the letter to the Galatians as she prepares to write a new study on the book. “Galatians has put me on my face before God. During a special period of seeking the Lord in prayer—because that was the weakest thing in my devotional time—I spent a lot of time meditating on Galatians 2:20 and praying it back to the Lord: ‘I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself
up for me’ ” (NASB).

Arthur doesn’t feel the need to separate her devotional time from message preparation. “I pray as I go through the Scriptures. I just talk to God about what I’m doing. As thoughts come to me, I jot them down. Or I’ll talk to God about the message He wants me to deliver to this particular group of people. It’s all integrated. If I’m just reading but not studying, is that sacred? If I’m using what I’ve read or using what I’m preparing, is that profane? To me, all of life is His and should be led by His Spirit.”

The years she spent immersing herself in Scripture have continued to enrich her devotional life. “I’ll be reading one passage, and the Holy Spirit will bring another verse to mind, putting two pieces of Scripture together in my heart. God’s Word is him talking to us. Prayer without the Word is a one-sided conversation. I pray my studies will help other Christians develop a similar devotion and passion to know and live by every word that has come from the mouth of God.”

“I believe we’re in a generation of biblical illiteracy. I believe it’s our greatest sin and our greatest weakness. If I’m not in the Word, then I am running on my own steam, thoughts, and impressions. Some Christians are bypassing what is essential for life as God means it to be lived. . . . They don’t realize that if they don’t know His Word, they don’t know God. They’re building their house on sand instead of on the rock, because the rock is God; the rock is Jesus; the rock is the Spirit; the rock is truth. It’s so sad, because in our busyness we’re excusing ourselves from studying His Word, which is the very truth that sets us apart, keeps us from the evil one, and propels us into the world to proclaim truth with confidence no matter the cost, as we see in John 17: 14–18.”

For the follower of Jesus, is generosity optional or mandatory? by Randy Alcorn

Generosity is optional in the sense that God gives us the freedom to choose, to do as we wish. It’s mandatory in that Jesus commands it and expects it of us. But I think it’s best to have a paradigm shift, to think of it as pure privilege with incredible rewards, both now and later. It’s less a “have to” than a “get to.” The benefits so far outweigh the costs that it’s a no-brainer. Jesus said “it is more blessed [makarios, ‘happy-making’] to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35).

Once you’ve tasted the pure waters of a mountain stream you won’t want to go back to drinking from a mud puddle. Nobody says on a mountain hike, “Okay, you have to drink now; it’s mandatory.” Nobody says when you get to Niagara Falls or stand in front of Michelangelo’s statue of David in Florence, “You have to look at it”—where else would you look? Nobody says when they open the doors to Disneyland, “Okay, kids, brace yourselves, we have to walk in now.” After praying at a Thanksgiving meal, the host never says, “Okay, it’s mandatory that you eat now.”

You’d be foolish not to do what will bring you delight. The trick is that those who’ve not known the joy of giving believe Satan’s lie that giving means parting with happiness, rather than finding it. They’re like the kid who won’t gaze into the Grand Canyon because he’s playing a video game or seeing what his friends are doing on Facebook. Veteran givers know that the joys of investing in God’s work to reach others for Christ and care for the needy brings a purity of joy and satisfaction that nothing you can order on Amazon or buy at the car lot possibly can.

C. S. Lewis said, “Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

A Spirit of Forgiveness is Peculiar to God's People by Wade Burleson

I've got three seconds to pique your interest to read this article. Some of you have already scanned it and said, "I'm not reading it, it's too long." Here's the reason why you should.

You may be the woman whose husband left you for a younger, prettier version of yourself.

You may be the adult who endured trauma during your childhood at the hands of one who should have loved you, but instead abused you.

You may be someone who has been falsely accused by others in an intentional attempt to ruin your reputation and career.

You may be the church member who experienced spiritual abuse by authoritarian church leaders who seemed more interested in protecting their institution than offering loving support to members of said institution.

In other words,  you may be a person in need of an understanding of biblical forgiveness.

Let's begin:

"Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." 

 

These words are from Jesus on the cross. Matthew Henry, in his Concise Commentary on the Scripture, writes "As soon as Christ was fastened to the cross, he prayed for those who crucified him."

 

A couple of things need to said about those for whom He prayed:

 

(1). They were intentional. They were intentional in their shouts "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!" They were intentional in their desires that Jesus be killed. They were intentional in everything they did.

(2). They brought injury.  It's self-evident that crucifixion brought injury to Jesus. Yet, not many consider the injury that came to His mother who watched Him die. Nor do any of us fully understand the injury of those who had followed Him every step of the way for the previous three years.

(3). They possessed ignorance. According to Gill, "they did not know that Jesus was the Messiah, nor the prophecies concerning him, nor the evil they were committing." Paul said had they not been ignorant, they would not have crucified the Lord (Acts 3:27). This ignorance is simply descriptive of the persons crucifying Jesus, and is not the basis for their forgiveness. Remember, they were intentionally injurious; the ignorance was in relation to "Whom" they were crucifying. Had not this forgiving spirit been in the Son and His request to forgive been made, the Father very well may have struck all the crucifiers down immediately and catastrophically in righteous judgment.

 

These ten words of Jesus, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do," comprise the first of seven last statements of Jesus from the cross. They also fulfill the prophecy ofIsaiah 53:12; "He made intercession for the transgressors."


This spirit toward intentional, injurious, and ignorant sinners is a peculiar character quality of God's people. Nobody else in the world has this spirit.

A Difference Between the Spirit and the Act of Forgiveness

Much of the confusion about "forgiveness" can be resolved when one understands the difference between the spirit of forgiveness and the act of forgiveness.  Only God can ultimately forgive sin. ("Father, forgive them...") for in the end, all sin is ultimately against God.

Though our God alone is ultimately the One who forgives, we are called to maintain a spirit of forgiveness toward all people, just as Christ had this spirit on the cross.

Albert Barnes put it like this:

"No other religion "teaches" people to pray for the forgiveness of enemies; no other "disposes" them to do it. Men of the world seek for "revenge;" the Christian bears reproaches and persecutions with patience, and prays that God would pardon those who injure them, and save them from their sins."

We must actively maintain a spirit of forgiveness toward the injurious, intentional and often ignorant persons who are in the act of harming us. Jesus language on the cross was in the present, active tense, "Father, forgive them for what they are doing..."

Here's the hard part. When the injurious, intentional and often ignorant person says "I repent," we are to forgive. Forgiveness is not granted until there is repentance, but I've found that as long as there is always a willingness (spirit) to forgive, the act of forgiveness is relatively easy. It's a little bit like "We love Him because He FIRST loved us." In a spirit and climate where people are known to be willing to forgive, real repentance grows like flowers in a well-water garden.

Someone has said, "Forgiveness without forgetting is like loving without liking." I tend to agree. That's why it is impossible for people to judicially forgive, and why we should remember that ultimately only God forgives sin, but we should all possess His Son's spirit of forgiveness. We should want the intentional, injurious, and ignorant sinners who cause harm to others to come to the place of repentance, find peace with God, and change their injurious behavior.

Until they do, we will always maintain a spirit of forgiveness, forgiving them when they say, "I repent." In addition, until they come to repentance, we will in love continue to point out sin when it occurs. Further, we will even forgive the intentional, injurious, and ignorant sinners for the same sin, again-and again-and again -even if they sin repetitively (seven times in one day) or infinitely (seventy times seven) because this is precisely what Jesus commanded us to do.

Two Key Questions

So how do we know that we have the spirit of forgiveness?

Answer: We don't question the motives of the intentional, injurious, and ignorant people who cause us harm when they say they repent.

So if we 'forgive' does that mean we don't remember their sin in the future?

Answer: No. We are human. Only God can judicially forget. The child predator's actions must be remembered and standards of accountability implemented. The unfaithful spouse's actions must be remembered and the consequences of the infidelity felt (i.e. "divorce, annulment, etc...). The action of an oppressive church leadership government that places a covenant above a congregant must be remembered and steps taken to stop the spiritual abuse, if not completely abandon of the abusive church.

But the entire time we stand for truth, we must always display a spirit that is willing, hopeful and desirous of God to forgive and bring to repentance.

Though Jesus was willing to forgive those who crucified Him, they were not forgiven until they acknowledged their wrong and repented of it (Luke 23:34; Acts 2:36-39). When one refuses to repent, he is to be regarded as a "heathen and a tax collector to you" (Matt. 18:15-17).

Here's the difficulty for us all. "How do we know someone has 'truly repented?'" Answer: We don't. All we can do is maintain a spirit of forgiveness, speaking truth where we see sin, and granting forgiveness when a brother or sister in Christ says "I repent."

So here's the formula: Speak the truth in love. Be a person full of grace and truth. Be willing to forgive when repentance comes, and don't be a judge of whether or not repentance is real by questioning the motive of someone's statement of repentance. Forgive and forget as much as humanly possible, but never be afraid to speak out against sin, and never neglect the protection of helpless.
Maintaining a spirit of forgiveness means we must make a separation between the actionsof the injurious person and our acceptance of that injurious person.

(1). In having a forgiving spirit I will want those who injure to ultimately be blessed by God in the same manner that I am blessed by Him - "Father, forgive them..."

(2). I am not dependent on the behavior of others for my personal happiness; I look to God for my inner satisfaction and happiness. To the extent I am able to trust God with my past, present and future is the measure of my ability to pray- "Father, forgive them...".

(3). I will never confuse actual forgiveness with a spirit of forgiveness. Ultimately God will cast sin and its consequences into the sea of forgetfulness, but until then, I will continue to point out injustice, I will continue to protect the helpless, and I will continue to encourage the broken -- all the while praying for the intentional, injurious and ignorant persons who harm the innocent.  

This spirit is unique among Christians. It's peculiar to we who follow.

It's the mark of genuine Christianity.

The Search for Grace: My father and My Father by Lee Strobel

[God] waits to be wanted. Too bad that with many of us He waits so long, so very long, in vain. — A. W. Tozer He was leaning back in his leather recliner in the wood-paneled den, his eyes darting back and forth between the television set and me, as if he didn’t deign to devote his full attention to our confrontation. In staccato bursts, he would lecture and scold and shout, but his eyes never met mine. It was the evening before my high school graduation, and my dad had caught me lying to him — big-time. Finally, he snapped his chair forward and shifted to look fully into my face, his eyes angry slits behind his glasses. He held up his left hand, waving his pinky like a taunt as he pounded each and every word: “I don’t have enough love for you to fill my little finger.” He paused as the words smoldered. He was probably expecting me to fight back, to defend myself, to blubber or apologize or give in — at least to react in some way. But all I could do was to glare at him, my face flushed. Then after a few tense moments he sighed deeply, reclined again in his chair, and resumed watching TV. That’s when I turned my back on my father and strode toward the door. I didn’t need him. I was brash, I was driven and ambitious — I would slice my way through the world without his help. After all, I was about to make almost a hundred dollars a week at a summer job as a reporter for a rural newspaper in Woodstock, Illinois, and live on my own at a boarding house. A plan formulated in my mind as I slammed the back door and began the trek toward the train station, lugging the duffel bag I had hurriedly packed. I would ask the newspaper to keep me on after the summer. Lots of reporters have succeeded without college, so why not me? Soon I’d make a name for myself. I’d impress the editors at the Chicago papers and eventually break into the big city. I’d ask my girlfriend to move in with me. I was determined to make it on my own — and never to go back home. Someday, there would be payback. The day would come when my father would unfold the Chicago Tribune and his eye would catch my byline on a front-page exclusive. That would show him. I was on a mission — and it was fueled by rage. But what I didn’t realize as I marched down the gravel shoulder of the highway on that sultry June evening was that I was actually launching a far different quest than what I had supposed. It was a journey that I couldn’t understand back then — and which would one day reshape my life in ways I never could have imagined. That day I embarked on a lifelong pursuit of grace. Grace Withheld, Grace Extended See to it that no one misses the grace of God. — Hebrews 12:15 I always wondered: Would I cry when my father died? After the confrontation in which my dad declared he didn’t have enough love for me to fill his little finger, I stormed out of the house, determined never to return. I lived for two months in a small apartment nearly forty miles away as I worked as a reporter for a small daily newspaper. The publisher agreed to hire me beyond the summer. My future seemed set. I never heard from my father, but my mother kept urging me to return. She would call and write to tell me my dad certainly couldn’t have meant what he said. Finally, I did come home briefly, but my father and I never discussed the incident that prompted me to leave. I never broached it, and neither did he. We maintained a civil but distant relationship through the years. He paid for my college tuition, for which I never thanked him. He never wrote, visited, or came to my graduation. When I got married after my sophomore year at the University of Missouri, my parents hosted the reception, but my dad and I never had a heart-to-heart talk. Fresh from Missouri’s journalism school, I was hired as a general assignment reporter at the Chicago Tribune, later developing an interest in law. I took a leave of absence to study at Yale Law School, planning to return to the Tribune as legal editor. A few days before my graduation, I settled into a cubicle in the law school’s gothic library and unfolded the New York Times for a leisurely morning of reading. I was already prepared for my final exams and was getting excited about returning to Chicago. Then my friend Howard appeared. I folded the newspaper and greeted him; he stared at me as if he had something urgent to say but couldn’t find the right words. “What’s wrong?” I asked. He didn’t answer, but somehow I knew. “My father died, right?” He nodded, then led me to the privacy of a small alcove, where I sobbed inconsolably. Alone with My Father Before my father’s wake began at the funeral parlor, I asked for the room to be cleared. I stood in front of the open casket for the longest time. A lifetime of thoughts tumbled through my mind. My emotions churned. There was nothing to say, and yet there was everything to say. So many times in my life, I had rationalized away my need to take responsibility for the role I had played in our relational breakdown. He’s the one who should be apologizing to me. Or pride got in my way. Why should I go crawling to him? Or sometimes I’d just put it off. I can always handle that later. Finally, after a long period of silence, I managed to whisper the words I desperately wished I had spoken so many years earlier: “I’m sorry, Dad.” Sorry for the ways I had rebelled against him, lied to him, and disrespected him over the years. Sorry for my ingratitude. Sorry for the bitterness and rancor I had allowed to poison my heart. For the first time, I admitted my own culpability in our relational strife. Then came my last words to my father: “I forgive you.” As best I could, I extended him grace — too late for our relationship, but in so many ways liberating and life-changing for me. Over time, I found that nothing heals like grace. Unexpected Words Soon business associates, neighbors, golfing buddies, and others arrived at the wake to offer condolences to my mother and other family members. I sat by myself in a folding chair off to the side. I was dealing with deep and conflicted emotions and didn’t feel like interacting with anyone. One of my dad’s business associates walked over and sat down beside me. “Are you Lee?” he asked. “Yes, I am,” I said. We shook hands. “Well, it’s great to finally meet you after hearing so much about you,” he said. “Your dad could never stop talking about you. He was so proud of you and excited about what you’re doing. Every time you’d have an article in the Tribune, he’d clip it and show it to everyone. When you went off to Yale — well, he was bursting with pride. He was always showing us pictures of your kids. He couldn’t stop bragging about you. It’s good to finally put a face with the name because we heard your name a lot from your dad. ‘Lee’s doing this.’ ‘Lee’s doing that.’ ‘Did you see Lee’s article on the front page?’ But then, I suppose you knew all that.” My mind reeled as I tried to conceal my astonishment. I couldn’t help wondering what might have been different if those words had come to me directly from my dad. When I became a follower of Jesus several years later, I saw the stark contrast. Here, there was no concealing how my Father felt about me. In direct declarations, the Bible shouted over and over: God’s love for me is unrestrained and unconditional; His grace is lavish and unending. I am His workmanship and His pride, and He couldn’t stand the thought of spending eternity without me in His family. And as God’s grace utterly rocked my life — forgiving me, adopting me, and changing my life and my eternity — something else became clear: how tragic it would be to withhold the news of that grace from others. How could I revel in it myself but never pass it along to a world that is dying for it? As atheist Penn Jillette said, “How much do you have to hate somebody to believe that everlasting life is possible and not tell them that?” As the apostle Paul asked, how can people believe in Christ if they have never heard about Him? “[God] dispenses His goodness not with an eyedropper but a fire hydrant. Your heart is a Dixie cup and His grace is the Mediterranean Sea. You simply can’t contain it all,” said Max Lucado. “So let it bubble over. Spill out. Pour forth. ‘Freely you have received, freely give.’” Writing about my journey of grace in this book has only strengthened my resolve to emulate the apostle Paul. “What matters most to me,” Paul wrote, “is to finish what God started: the job the Master Jesus gave me of letting everyone I meet know all about this incredibly extravagant generosity of God.” That is the joyful task of every follower of Jesus. Someday may it be written about me on my tombstone: He was so amazed by God’s grace that he couldn’t keep it to himself. Excerpted with permission from The Case for Grace by Lee Strobel, copyright Zondervan.

Leaving and Cleaving from The Christian Pundit website

“A couple should live at least a hundred miles away from both sets of parents for at least the first year of marriage.” That’s what an older couple told us as we rode to church in the back seat of their car. We thought we were doing pretty well by that standard: it wasn’t quite our first year of marriage, but we were 3,000 miles away from all four parents.

Leaving home in order to join together and form a new, separate identity as husband and wife is woven into the creation ordinance. Genesis 2:24 tells us that “a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife…” The New Testament repeats this mandate (Matt. 19:5). Getting married necessitates getting out of your parents’ home (in all but very rare circumstances) and creating a new, independent household. At least, it does according to biblical standards.

Moving out of town certainly facilitates leaving and cleaving, but it doesn’t guarantee it, just as staying in town doesn’t prevent it. So why is leaving and cleaving crucial? When a couple marries, they thankfully and respectfully leave their own families to form a new nuclear family. Leaving and cleaving is actually a command. Without leaving and cleaving, the formation of a new family is stunted; it cannot be as strong and fruitful as it should because it is still depending on others for things that it should be producing itself. Like the college student who comes home to hang out in the basement playing video games, there is something not right—not developmentally normal or productive—about it.

This does not mean that a married couple lives in isolation: that’s not healthy, either! It means that they become a different family, taking good and useful aspects of two family cultures and creating something new, no longer simply accountable as children to parents, but primarily accountable to the local church as a Christian household. Leaving and cleaving does not negate honouring father and mother: it produces a mature honouring that uses parental training and teaching to contribute to church and society.

So what are some practical ways to leave and cleave? Here are some ideas that facilitate leaving and cleaving.

Have your own social circle/calendar. If, as a couple, you depend on a set of parents for social contacts or events, that’s not healthy. You need to have your own friends. The local church is the best place to start, even if you attend the same congregation as your parents. Find couples and singles of various ages that you don’t know well and get to know them. Reach out, create friendships in your church and neighborhood, and your calendar will reflect a healthy social independence that blesses others as you work on hosting together.

Solve everyday problems together. Calling dad and mum to fix your lawnmower, a parenting conflict, botched dinner plan, or anything that poses a challenge, generally means that you are not willing to do the work of being an adult and acquire life skills. If your parents facilitate such dependence, they are not interested in helping you overcome this. That doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for help; it does mean that the help should not always have to come from mum and dad, and that practical skills will increase so that you need less day-to-day aid. Bigger or more serious issues (like a wayward child, illness, or a porn addiction) do require help and advice, but that can come from the local church as well as godly parents. Solving your own minor problems demonstrates a good work ethic and willingness to learn so that you are not a burden to others.

Pay your own way. Sometimes, in certain situations, a couple will need financial assistance. But that needs to be temporary or exceptional. The expectation should be that the new couple will function as an independent financial unit. Depending on one or two sets of parents for money in order to live means that you are not, in normal circumstances, able to function as adults. It also means that you are not blessing others who are truly in need (Eph. 4:28). In normal circumstances, a financially self-sufficient family is a blessing to parents and the church, as it provides for itself and can offer aid to others.

Have your own spiritual life. Read the Bible together. Pray together. Go to church together. If you think it best, find your own congregation that isn’t your parents’. This is vital if your leaving and cleaving is to be a biblical, healthy one. History is full of couples who were totally on the same page, but it was the wrong page. Ananias and Sapphira are just one example in Acts 5. But if you are growing closer together under the Word and in honest fellowship with mature believers, not depending on parents to carry the spiritual load, it will be a cleaving that honours the Lord and brings blessing on your marriage.

Actively leaving and cleaving leads not only to the feeling but also to the reality of a strong, new family. Doing these (and other) things together creates a bond between husband and wife, creating a stronger and fruitful nuclear family. You cannot host friends, solve conflicts, pay bills, and pray for each other without growing closer together, even if you need to work through issues on the way. Failure to leave and cleave inevitably weakens a marriage over the long term. Obedience brings blessing. God gives grace and means to strengthen marriages so that they can, in some mysterious way, picture the closeness that Christ has with the church. After all, that’s the goal, isn’t it?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON’T REPENT? by Brad Hambrick

We wish this question were not necessary, but due to the stubborn streak that resides in all our hearts there are times when we resist repentance.  What happens on those occasions?

I would propose there is a progression that emerges until we repent.

1. We pridefully chose to believe we know better than God.
2. We begin to brainstorm support for this false belief.
3. We grow increasingly convinced that God should think/rule as we believe.
4. We daydream of a world that follows our beliefs/values.
5. We begin to make God in our own image.

There may be other paths from point one to point five, but point five should startle us.  Yet making God in our image has become increasingly fashionable in our day.  It is common for people to view God as needy, changing with the times, a risk taker, playing favorites, moody, or having a “personal arrangement” with them that differs from the Gospel found in the Bible.

Consider one of the basic definitions of repentance – “agreeing with God.”  When we do not repent we necessarily believe God should agree with us or our actions.  It only takes a little bit of imagination to begin making God in our own image – and completely reversing the foundational teaching of the relationship between God and man in Genesis 1.

All of this means, that if we are going to be biblical Christians (and that is the only kind of Christians there are) we must be regularly repentant.  If not, we are either attacking or distorting the very character of God.

More than this we will teach (or try to teach) others (especially our spouse, children, and close friends) to believe the same distorted beliefs about God.  Unless we repent we will either teach (passively) or argue (aggressively) that our beliefs are accurate.  They will be forced to agree with us, confront us, or live with an irreconcilable tension.  This is particularly hard for children, teens, and those young in their faith.

This brings us to a profound summary point – the failure to repent is to believe and proclaim heresy.  If you defensively think, “I’m a Christian and I know it.  You can’t judge me,” then you are still too self-centered and completely missing the point.  Repentance is worship and evangelism.  It proclaims God as more wise, just, and worthy than our beliefs and actions.  It also proclaims God’s willingness to restore those who acknowledge His right character.

When we fail to repent we miss an opportunity to reveal the majesty of God’s character and redemption to ourselves and those around us.  We may do some bad things when we fail to repent (and experience the hardening heart consequences), but more than that we miss the opportunity to participate in the greatest thing – God’s love and redemption.

SPIRITUAL MUSCLES BY PAUL TRIPP

When God asks you to wait, what happens to your spiritual muscles? While you wait, do your spiritual muscles grow bigger and stronger or do they grow flaccid and atrophied? Waiting for the Lord isn’t about God forgetting you, forsaking you, or being unfaithful to his promises. It’s actually God giving you time to consider his glory and to grow stronger in faith. Remember, waiting isn’t just about what you are hoping for at the end of the wait, but also about what you will become as you wait.

Waiting always presents me with a spiritual choice-point. Will I allow myself to question God’s goodness and progressively grow weaker in faith, or will I embrace the opportunity of faith that God is giving me and build my spiritual muscles?

It’s so easy to question your belief system when you are not sure what God is doing. It’s so easy to give way to doubt when you are being called to wait. It’s so easy to forsake good habits and to take up habits of unfaith that weaken the muscles of the heart. Let me suggest some habits of unfaith that cause waiting to be a time of increasing weakness rather than of building strength.

Giving way to doubt. There’s a fine line between the struggle to wait and giving way to doubt. When you are called to wait, you are being called to do something that wasn’t part of your plan and is therefore something that you struggle to see as good. Because you are convinced that what you want is right and good, it doesn’t seem loving that you are being asked to wait. You can see how tempting it is then to begin to consider questions of God’s wisdom, goodness, and love.

Giving way to anger. It’s very easy to look around and begin to think that the bad guys are being blessed and the good guys are getting hammered (see Psalm 73). There will be times when it simply doesn’t seem right that you have to wait for something that seems to be obviously good to you. It will feel that you are being wronged, and when it does, it seems right to be angry. Because of this, it’s important to understand that the anger you feel in these moments is more than anger with the people or circumstances that are the visible cause for your waiting. No, your anger is actually anger with the One who is in control of those people and those circumstances. You are actually giving way to thinking that you have been wronged by Him.

Giving way to discouragement. This is where I begin to let me heart run away with the “If only _____,” the “What if _____,” and the “What will happen if _____.” I begin to give my mind to thinking about what will happen if my request isn’t answered soon, or what in the world will happen if it’s not answered at all. This kind of meditation makes me feel that my life is out of control. Rather than my heart being filled with joy, my heart gets flooded with worry and dread. Free mental time is spent considering my dark future, with all the resulting discouragement that will always follow.

Giving way to envy. When I am waiting, it’s very tempting to look over the fence and wish for the life of someone who doesn’t appear to have been called to wait. It’s very easy to take on an “I wish I were that guy” way of living. You can’t give way to envy without questioning God’s wisdom and his love. Here is the logic: if God really loves you as much as he loves that other guy, you would have what the other guy has. Envy is about feeling forgotten and forsaken, coupled with a craving to have what your neighbor enjoys.

Giving way to inactivity. The result of giving way to all of these things is inactivity. If God isn’t as good and wise as I once thought he was, if he withholds good things from his children, and if he plays favorites, then why would I continue to pursue Him? Maybe all those habits of faith aren’t helping me after all; maybe I’ve been kidding myself.

Sadly, this is the course that many people take as they wait. Rather than growing in faith, their motivation for spiritual exercise is destroyed by doubt, anger, discouragement, and envy, and the muscles of faith that were once robust and strong are now atrophied and weak.

The reality of waiting is that it’s an expression of God’s goodness. He is wise and loving. His timing is always right and His focus isn’t so much on what you will experience and enjoy, but on what you will become. He is committed to using every tool at His disposal to rescue you from yourself and to shape you into the likeness of His Son. The fact is that waiting is one of his primary shaping tools.

So, how do you build your spiritual muscles during the wait? Well, you must commit yourself to resisting those habits of unfaith and with discipline pursue a rigorous routine of spiritual exercise. What is the equipment in God’s gym of faith? Here are the things that he has designed for you to build the muscles of your heart and strengthen your resolve: the regular study of his Word; consistent godly fellowship; looking for God’s glory in creation every day; putting yourself under excellent preaching and teaching of Scripture; investing your quiet mental time in meditating on the goodness of God (i.e, as you are going off to sleep); reading excellent Christian books; and spending ample time in prayer. All of these things will result in spiritual strength and vitality.

Is God asking you to wait? What is happening to your muscles?

Taken from A Shelter in the Time of Storm by Paul David Tripp, © 2009, pp. 88-90.  Used by permission of Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, IL 60187, www.crossway.org.

St. Augustine said, “Without God, we cannot. Without us, God will not.” How does God reach the lost and restore lives? ... by Michael Catt

St. Augustine said, “Without God, we cannot. Without us, God will not.” How does God reach the lost and restore lives? He uses people. Praying people are motivated to love, share the gospel, forgive an offense, and reconcile. The reason we have so many churches that fight, fuss, and split is because they are run by carnal, prayerless people. You can measure the health of a church by her Prayer Ministry. If that’s the case, it means the health of a church is determined by the individual health of her members. So, how healthy are you spiritually? The church can never rise above the level of praying done by or the spiritual health of the membership.

In the church, we need revival. Don’t dismiss that word. Revival brings into reality all the things we say we need God to do in our lives. Outside the church, we need a harvest of souls. Please note: a revival is not a harvest, although a revived church will have a harvest. A harvest is accomplished by members, laboring in the fields during the week and bringing the unsaved or recently saved into the church. Prayer is the environment where we are empowered to do both.

E. M. Bounds said, “If prayer puts God to work on earth, then, by the same token, prayerlessness rules God out of the world’s affairs and prevents Him from working. In reality the denial of prayer is a denial of God Himself, for God and prayer are so inseparable that they can never be divorced.”

As you think about prayer, remember that the Great Awakenings began with extraordinary praying. In that environment, God turned this nation’s heart to Himself. Countless numbers were saved, government and order were restored, colleges and hospitals were built, and missionary movements exploded. The wave of revival is started by the wind of prayer.

The question today is simple: if the future of Sherwood Baptist Church is dependent on me, am I an asset or a liability? Every member of the body can and should contribute. Every member of the body needs to embrace the necessity of prayer. If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

Praying for a move of God.

Quick to Judge by Paul David Tripp

Sometimes we're quicker to judge than to comfort.

This hit me recently on the streets of Philadelphia, where I live. I walked by a young homeless person begging on the street and immediately thought to myself, "I wonder what they did to get themselves here."

Wow. That's about as far from a gracious response as you can get!

It's an embarrassing story for me to tell, but I'm willing to confess it because I'm convinced of this: criticism often comes more quickly to us than compassion.

See if any of these examples resonate with you recently:

• We yell at our children for doing the same things we did as kids - "When I was your age, I would have never thought about doing that!"
• We look down on the parents in the restaurant who can't keep their kids in line - "I can't believe they're letting them misbehave like that in public!"
• We think there's little excuse for being poor and have no sympathy for those who struggle to pay their bills - "Look at all the unwise decisions they make with their money!"
• We scorn those who are not as smart or successful as we are - "They're so lazy; if they only worked harder they could do something with their life!"

Maybe you didn't say those exact words, but if you search long enough, you'll find examples of that self-righteousness functioning in your heart. When we look at ourselves and see strong, wise, capable, mature, and righteous people, we tend to look down on those who have not achieved what we think we have achieved.

So here's what God, in love, will do: he will put us in situations where our weakness, foolishness, and immaturity are exposed so that we might become more sensitive and patient with others who struggle.

I remember when my father died. I had long prided myself on how well I understood and could communicate the important doctrine of God's sovereignty. But when my dad passed, God's plan didn't make sense. It looked chaotic and completely out of his control. Since then, I've grown to be comforting of people in tough situations who can't make sense of God's plan for their life.

The Apostle Paul captures this in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." (ESV)

So the next time you experience a hard moment, tell yourself this: "these moments are not just for my own growth in grace, but for my calling to be a tool of that same grace in the life of a fellow sufferer."

By sending difficulty your way, God is softening your heart and sharpening your edges so that you may be ready to make the comfort of the invisible Father visible in the life of the weary pilgrim he has placed in your pathway.

God intends for you to give away the comfort you've been given. The grace that has given you hope is meant to spill over into hope for the person next to you. What a plan!

God bless

Paul David Tripp

23 Guidelines to Protect Your Purity in Dating by Randy Alcorn

First of all, remember that if you plant purity today, you will reap a rich harvest, free from shame and guilt. And, by the grace of God, you’ll look back on your life not with regret, but with joyful gratitude. Sexual purity is ALWAYS in your best interest. Be smart, not stupid, and you’ll enjoy the best God has for you!

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality” (1 Thessalonians 4:3).

1. Realize you don’t have to date.

Just because lots of other people date doesn’t mean you have to. You can enjoy fun, positive friendships with people of the opposite sex and be involved in all sorts of activities without coupling up with one person.

If you do choose to date, the following guidelines can help you maintain a walk with God and guard your purity. (What follows is an abridged version of “Guidelines for Protecting Purity in Dating,” available at “Guidelines for Sexual Purity.”)

2. If you’re a Christian, only date Christians.

You won’t marry every person you date. But the person you marry will be someone you dated. God says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers . . . what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14).

There are many contexts in which to do evangelism—dating isn’t one of them.

3. If you’re a committed disciple, only date committed disciples. (And if you’re not a committed disciple, why aren’t you?)

Just because a person is a Christian doesn’t make him or her morally safe or a worthy partner. Don’t expect perfection in the person you date. But do expect character and godliness. (This assumes that you yourself are a growing Christian.)

4. Choose dates by character, not just appearance.

When we judge people by their appearances, often we turn out to be dead wrong—and meanwhile we may have made foolish choices.

5. Realize Christ is watching and is with you all evening—wherever you go and whatever you do.

He is watching you because he is omniscient. He is with you because He’s omnipresent, but as a believer He is with you in a very special way: you are His holy temple (1 Corinthians 6:15).

6. Realize where you go and who you go with will influence your sexual desires.

When we put ourselves in a godly atmosphere with godly people, we are influenced toward godliness. When we put ourselves in an ungodly atmosphere with ungodly people we are influenced toward ungodliness. “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character’” (I Corinthians 15:28).

7. Realize your date is your brother or sister in Christ—not your “lover.”

“Treat older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” (1 Timothy 5:2). A rule of thumb is, don’t do anything physically you wouldn’t do with your brother or sister.

If a Christ-centered, positive relationship develops, then you might move to cautious displays of affection such as hand-holding. But be alert to the difference between appropriate affection and intimacy. You must stay safely back from the line where either one is propelled toward sexual intimacy.

8. Focus on talk, not touch; conversation, not contact.

Treat your date as a subject to listen to and understand and appreciate, not an object to experiment with, conquer or satisfy your desires.

9. Avoid fast moving relationships and instant intimacy.

Pace your relationship. A car moving too fast is likely to swerve out of control when it hits a slick spot. Keep your foot near the brake. Don’t let this relationship get out of control.

10. Plan the entire evening in advance, with no big gaps.

Gaps always get filled, often with temptations to sexual impurity. Know what you’re doing and either stick with the plan or go somewhere safe, where you’re in the sight of others (particularly others who respect the need for purity).

11. Avoid setups like the plague.

Setups include such things as being alone on a couch or in a car late at night or in a bedroom. Determine to stay away from the setup, rather than putting yourself in the setup and having to call on your convictions when your resistance is at its lowest, and you’re most likely to give in.

12. Be accountable to someone about your physical relationship.

This should be a committed brother or sister in Christ, usually the same gender as you. It should be someone who takes sexual purity seriously, someone with wise advice, who will pray for you and help hold you accountable to high standards.

13. Pray together at the beginning and end of each date.

Commit the evening or day in advance to the Lord. Ask Him to be pleased in everything you do. Plan to pray at the end of the date to thank Him for it. Knowing this prayer is coming will help you to be sure to control yourself and please God.

14. Imagine your parents and church leaders are watching you through the window.

Would that change how you behave? Then realize your life is not private—it’s an open book to be seen by a watching world: "What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs” (Luke 12:3).

15. When you sense the temptation coming, before things start to get out of control, RUN.

“Flee from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18). When it comes to sexual temptation, it always pays to be a coward.

16. Write out your own standards and enforce them yourself—never depend on your date.

You as an individual are fully responsible and accountable to God for what you do (Romans 14:10-12; 2 Corinthians 5:10).

17. Make your moral decisions in advance—not in the time of temptation.

If it’s left to your feelings in the moment of truth, you’ll make the wrong decision. Again: in the moment of strength make choices that will serve you well in the moment of weakness.

18. Memorize Scripture on sexual purity and quote it when tempted.

“I have hidden your Word in my heart that I might not sin against you” (Psalm 119:11). When the attacks come—and they will—be ready to take up the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God (Ephesians 6:17).

19. Don’t do anything with your date you wouldn’t want someone else doing with your future mate.

Somewhere out there is the man or woman you’re going to marry. What do you want them to be doing now with someone else? “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31).

20. Look out for the “moral wear down” of long dating relationships and long engagements.

It’s easy to wear down in the battle for sexual purity, to begin to rationalize that you’re really a couple. Don’t get engaged until you can put the wedding in sight. When you’re engaged, you can be deceived into slipping into some of the privileges of marriage before marriage, especially sexual intimacy.

21. If you’ve violated some of these guidelines, confess, repent and implement a plan to prevent future violations.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

Even if you are no longer a virgin you can and should commit yourself to secondary virginity—to remain sexually pure from this day forward. You need more than good intentions to maintain your purity: you need a plan which includes avoidance and accountability. If you are committed to a relationship with a growing Christian, formulate a plan to prevent falling back into premarital intimacy.

22. Be radical—do whatever it takes to guard your sexual purity.

In Matthew 5:29-30, Jesus tells His listeners to do whatever is necessary to deal with temptation. Get creative, get radical, and do all you can to avoid temptation.

23. Count the cost of impurity.

Rehearse in advance the devastating consequences of sexual sin and you’ll be less likely to commit it. Even a forgiven person must deal with many consequences to his sin. God removes guilt, but He doesn’t always remove consequences.

God forgives when we sincerely repent, but if we sincerely repent we will show it by taking necessary steps to avoid temptation.