What We Can Learn From Arranged Marriages by Eric Geiger

 Here are two scenes of two twenty-five-year-old young men.

Scene one: A 25-year-old sits alone in his apartment, swiping through dating profiles on the phone. At it for an hour. The faces blur together. Split-second decisions are made based on photos and a few lines of bio. No one else is involved. No one else even knows. It’s just the person, the algorithm, and hundreds of strangers.

Scene two: A large family dinner in another culture and another time. Three generations are seated around the table. The conversation turns to the 25-year-old son. The grandmother mentions a young woman from a good family she knows. The father talks about the woman’s character—how she cares for her aging parents. The mother has observed how she treats children at community gatherings. The uncle knows her work ethic. Multiple perspectives. Generational wisdom. The family discusses who will approach her father.

The second scene sounds crazy in our individualistic culture, but which scene is new and which scene is more proven?

I have two daughters and have had zero conversations about arranging their marriages. I am also thankful that Kaye’s parents did not believe in arranged marriages, as they would not have arranged her marriage to me. That is not me being humble. The reality is that all her siblings live on her father’s property in their own homes on lots of family land. And I was a preacher who was open to going anywhere, so the land allotted for Kaye and me remains unused.

But we should understand that most research puts the divorce rate in the U.S. at 40% and the global divorce rate for arranged marriages at 1%. Why?

Those who advocate for arranged marriages point to the low divorce rates among arranged marriages. Divorce rates in the US are around 40% and arranged marriages globally have an often-cited divorce rate of 1%. Yes, there is a sad backstory to that stat. Not always, but in some cases, there is oppression, women are viewed as property, or the marriage is forced. As Christians, we are against that as we value women and men as image bearers. Not all arranged marriages are that way, and in arranged marriages where the divorce rate is low, sociologists point to the commitment from the families to each other and the mentoring the family provides.

In his insightful and research-based book Get Married, Brad Wilcox highlights Asian Americans as one of the groups he calls the “masters of marriage” because of their commitment to marriage through challenges and even seasons of “not being happy.” We have many Asian American couples in our church, so I loved reading Brad’s observations. One of the reasons their commitment to marriage is often higher is because of their commitment to community. The couples are not only thinking about themselves but also their kids, their immediate family, and their extended family. They have not bought the cultural lie that marriage is “just between us.” They realize that their marriage impacts a lot of other people.

The lesson is that we should date and be married in community. We should benefit from the wisdom of a God-honoring community, and we should remember that our marriages impact more people than the lie that it’s “just between us.”

These two Proverbs have always been and will always be true.

A fool’s way is right in his own eyes,
but whoever listens to counsel is wise.
(Proverbs 12:15)

Plans fail when there is no counsel,
but with many advisers they succeed.
(Proverbs 15:22)

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